Sharing my quiet space that I like to spend my lunch hour in. Churchyard in the centre of town only a few minutes walk from the office.
It was my aim to write a little something each day but I’ve not quite managed that. I am not going to beat myself up about it too much though.
Today I saw the doctor. For all I about a minute. He pointed me towards counselling and said see you in three months. That might sound a bit harsh but it suited me today.
Busy at work again and struggling to achieve what I need to. When I can’t complete a task through lack of knowledge or confidence I do tend to take it to heart.
Today dragged at work because of that. Here’s hoping tomorrow is better. Or at least feels shorter!
So work has been very stressful. My boss is away on holiday so as TL it’s fallen to me to handle a couple of things. Thankfully the drugs have started working to I am not panicking about everything now but I do still worry than I don’t always say things in the most professional way.
For example today i was wondering if I wasn’t included in a client meeting because they worry I look unprofessional. I am overweight, I know that. I’ve just been hoping that being smart would see me through but I have always worried that it will hold me back professional speaking. Maybe I am starting to see that now. Anytime I have tried to lose weight in the past it’s turned into other way to punish myself for my perceived flaws. I am coming at it from a very negative space so I always seem to fail. I really do want to be more healthy and thinner I just honestly don’t know how to go about it.
I had hoped that my new found intolerance to milk would help me lose some weight as I have had to give up chocolate. It’s clearly not the only issue though as I am not losing weight. I struggle to be active. I injured my ankle about a year ago and it’s not 100% healed.
But this all sounds like excuses to me. I want to do a 5k run/walk with the kids. I am hoping to find one that’s already booked in somewhere for next year and make towards it with them.
So for the past few nights I have not been getting to sleep until around 3am. Last evening I was so tired that after I put the kids to bed at half eight I went straight to bed myself. It only took me about half an hour to fall asleep and I slept through until 8am.
I feel like a human being again. Today I am taking my oldest out for some quality time together. Hopefully having more energy will make it a great day.
I have not managed to get into today at all so far. My work has suffered and I am aware that it is obvious. This is increasing my worry today.
My boss is lovely and understanding, as are the people immediately around me however I know that other people who do not know my personal circumstances will think I am just having a lazy day. I worry about being too open about my conditionso everyone treats me differently even when I am having a good day or not telling people and them not understanding and judging me. I am also aware that this is a catch 22 line of thinking.
I will look to the small victories today because I need to. I got my son out of bed this morning and didn’t just leave it to daddy. I ate breakfast. I did not cry or try to hurt myself.
The day is not yet over so I might still be able to complete some work and feel good about it.
Today’s thought: instead of saying “feel better” about something I will say “feel good” about something because to feel better reminds you of why you felt bad in the first place and you are diminishing your victories.
One thing about this condition is just how tired it makes you feel. I didn’t manage to get to sleep until around 3am last night and then my alarm went off at 7am for work.
I was not ready to get out of bed and go to work. Somehow I dragged myself in but I can’t claim to have been very productive today. I answered the urgent stuff and the stuff that came in today but none of my ongoing projects moved forward very much. My concentration was super short and I was jumping at everything.
Now I am on the way home just hoping that I can pull on my parent face and have a reasonable evening with my family without being too down. It’s taking quite a lot of effort today to do that.
But tomorrow is another day and I am not always useless in the office. Under pressure when we are super busy I get things done. I’m reliable and I know I work hard. So I console myself in the knowledge that I am just having a bad day and there is no reason tomorrow can’t be a better one.
Last night my husband and I were talking about the different between telling ourselves we SHOULD be doing certain things and that we WANT to do certain things. I WANT to be a better parent. I WANT to take my kids swimming and to the park. When I take the SHOULD out of it I feel much better about myself.
So that’s my thought for today. WANT not SHOULD.
So the story behind this is I was sitting in the pub with some work colleagues and one of them said “have you ever had one of those staring into the void moments where you think:”I could just push you in front of that bus.”
And the general feeling was yes we all had.
Now I didn’t say this at the time because I am far too used to being worried that people will think I am weird but this was a perfect explanation for what’s going on inside my head a lot of the time.
I have depression. I have done since early teenage and when I had my second child I got post partum quite bad. The last month has been bleak and family life is on the shaky side but I used the void explanation with my husband tonight to let him know where I am.
Everyone “stares into the void” sometimes and decides either yes I don’t care enough about the consequences not to do that or no I do care and I won’t. Some people can probably only think of a few times in their lives when they have had that feeling. Others might have one ever month or so.
Right now I am staring into the void about 30 times a day. I wake up from nightmares about my children and am either too scared to get out of bed in the morning or jump out to make sure they are both still alive. Then my day consists of thinking about slitting my wrists ever hour or so (ever ten minutes in the journey into work) mixed with thoughts of stepping in front of that bus or cutting scars into my arms. Then I second guess every decision I have to make. I assume people are being rude about me when they talk, I assume I have upset people’s feelings everytime I say anything and I have to hide out in the toilets at work to pull myself together.
When I get home I don’t trust my decisions with the children so pretty much everything has fallen on my husband’s shoulders. I can’t make decisions about what they should eat, when they need to go to bed, what bedtime story to read. I am scared to be around them in case I do something wrong and make them unhappy or they hurt themselves.
This is my life at the moment and it sucks. And it sucks more that I don’t feel able to talk about it for fear of sounding weird.
But if my work colleagues can “stare into the void” and think about punching people or stepping in front of buses then this must be a normal brain thing to do and it’s just that my brain is doing it too much.
So I decided to write this blog. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I’m doing it now. I hope to write the coping mechanisms alongside the dark truths of my condition.
I spoke to a doctor today and he was lovely. I am starting back up on my old medication, the one that helped me so much before. Hopefully this should show through in my blog posts but I will keep updating it with how I’m feeling and my experiences of taking the medication.
That’s pretty much it as far as a mission statement goes. I’ll tell you a bit more about myself as time goes on maybe and hopefully it will help someone else out there.